creative blocks and skill/talent mountains
vent post: not nsfw i just want to limit exposure
how do you cope with having a good idea for something but not having enough skill in order to make it look how you actually want it to? i've had lots of ideas for programming projects, but most of them have either been too massive in scope so that it would take months of repeated effort (for which my ADHD1 is affecting this). having LLMs that are pretty capable of doing a lot of the boring stuff helps i guess, but i haven't exactly put out many projects. it's just stuff that i wanted to get out like tea-party2 but realistically i could've done that myself.
or with art, i would like to draw, but i feel like i need to have a very particular set of tools in order to do what i want. i know i don't logically, i could just start drawing with a pencil on a sheet of paper, but i don't feel like i have the skill for it either. i've drawn a full effort picture exactly once3 and it looked the same as middle school me's drawings.
i know the only way to get better is to fail, then improve, and eventually you'll cross the invisible threshold where people will want to see your art. wherever that point for me is too far into the fog of the future in order for me to want to work towards it though. i don't want to put a bunch of effort into something just to have it not pay off in the time my brain decides it doesn't give me enough dopamine and moves on.
i want to put out work i'm proud of, but getting to a point to where i would be proud of my work would take too much time, and i would eventually fall off of whatever i'm doing. it hurts... i feel like the only thing i can do to put value into the world is to provide services: notably a non-creative task. i guess i'm pretty ok at it4
i really wish i knew how other people gained skills like drawing or programming well in the first place. i used to call myself a programmer but i was only ever good at the logic puzzle part of it and not the idea part of it.
- i'm undiagnosed, but like, if you've interacted with me you can probably see it. same with autism though i have a stronger case for having that than ADHD
- this is a PDS frontend that i had a sonnet build for me, all it really does is display a list of members with pagination and a button that allows you to generate an invite code w/ simple rate limiting. this was around the time when the gaza spam bots were at their peak and targetting independent PDS operators (because most of them had little to no moderation), but i still wanted to have an open registration PDS. this was the best solution i could think of that didn't involve migrating to tranquil
- i could post it but i'm embarrassed about it. it's a picture of ame-chan from needy girl overdose.
- status.madoka.systems i have about 2 nines of reliability which really isn't bad considering my hosting provider randomly takes down networking/power without telling me, even if it's planned (it's only announced in a discord server).
